If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
