he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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