For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
