I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How naked do you want me to be?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
