Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
