Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
