I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
