I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
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