life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
