Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
