he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
