I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Hippo gnu deer
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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