Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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