the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
