I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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