you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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