I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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