In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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