I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
