great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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