Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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