she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
