I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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