so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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