I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
