I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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