Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
