I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
