I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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