For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
