We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
