There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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