dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
