I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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