When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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