i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
