so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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