the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
