Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
