im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
