who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
