Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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