My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
