Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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