im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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