so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
