At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
