As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
