How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
thus making me awesome and them whores
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
