my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
