I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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