Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
