there's paper in my vomit.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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