I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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