I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
