Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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