I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
