...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
