I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
