The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
