Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize