Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I stole a fireplace last night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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