that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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