hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dear god my vagina.
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