it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i've created a new STD.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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