i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
