what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
